Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Virus Lockdown! (A Short Disaster Movie)

[SCENE: A COSY BASEMENT IN CAVERSHAM. GEEKS SCURRY AROUND EXCITEDLY MENDING THINGS]

Enter HELEN carrying a vintage eMachines desktop.

HELEN: Bless it! It's never had a Windows update since it was born in 2004. It can't go on the wireless because it's never heard of wireless!

[ANDY, DAVE and DAN laugh indulgently]

HELEN: Let's update it at once, with our locally stored updates which we keep on our local network attached storage..

[ALL NOD]

[TIME LAPSE SEQUENCE. HOURS PASS TO TUNE OF "WALTZING MATILDA". DAN IS SHOWN BECOMING MORE AND MORE STRESSED]

DAN: This sweet old thing won't update! It's doing my head in!
HELEN: Try harder! Try more extreme updating things!
DAN: And it's so slow! And mad!
HELEN: Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions!

...........
[NEXT MORNING. ANDY IS WIPING AND LOADING 5 COMPUTERS. MAN, HE'S GOOD. SUDDENLY, FEAR CLOUDS HIS LOVELY FACE]

ANDY: This freshly reinstalled computer has somehow become infected by a really horrid virus
ALL: What?
ANDY: Ditto this freshly reinstalled computer. And this one!
HELEN: What did you plug into them? Because all our memory sticks are (as you know)  scanned every night to prevent exactly this kind of thing.
ANDY: I didn't plug nothing in.
ANDY: I think the virus may have gone airborne.
DAVE: Airborne? Is that possible?
HELEN: I've never heard of it but.....

[CLOSE UP OF SHOCKED AND DRAINED FACES]

........
[EARLY NEXT MORNING. HELEN SITS ALONE FORMATTING MEMORY STICKS AND MUTTERING]

HELEN: But how? But why? But when? 

[ANDY BURSTS THROUGH DOOR]

ANDY: The locally stored updates stored on our local network storage have become infected by that innocent looking eMachines jalopy!
HELEN: (whispering) I think.. you might be right. 

[ENTER DAN AND DAVE. ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH A GREAT SADNESS]

VOICEOVER: We learned a hard lesson that day. It doesn't matter how sweet and old a computer looks, if you attach it to a network without checking it is virus-free you are asking for trouble. Trouble that ate up 3 days while we deleted, cleaned and checked up every computer device that had been through our workshop doors. Trouble that taught us that nobody is immune. Not even us.


CREDITS: Thank you to all our customers that have had to wait longer than usual while we make sure that we have eradicated every trace of our virus infection.

1 comment:

  1. If you have a video camera, come on over and make this movie for us. I long to be immortalised in film even though I can't act. You might be rewarded by YouTube cult fame.

    ReplyDelete

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